The Freedom Response

Making Connections - For Introverts

If you are reading this and you are an Introvert - welcome.

I need you to know that you have gifts and abilities to see and relate to the world that is unique and very much needed. 
If your gifts, strengths and abilities (given to you by God and developed over time) are suppressed then it can be a sad day in His Kingdom that can lead to depression, isolation and unrealistic thoughts & feelings over time.

You can practice to EXPRESS your gifts in the world but it is a challenge because extroverts are more numerous in the world than introverts. 
Lets take a peek into why:

As an Introvert I often get asked how I initiate connecting with people as an introvert - as aren't you supposed to not like people or being with them or avoid them? 

Yes and no. 

The main reason people engage or step away from people is about energy and how you charge up internally and externally. 

My desire as an introvert is to renew away from people. When I am around people for long periods of time I get what I call 'EXTRAVERTED OUT' and I need to rest my head for a bit to renew. Even extraverts I know have to do this now and then, but for sure I do not call people up to be renewed like they do. 

I like to workout alone, I do not ask you to work out with me like extraverts. 

I can go to a movie alone, eat alone and get a coffee in a mom & pop store...alone. 

My DESIRE is to be alone but God's DESIGN created me for connections, collaborations and to communicate. I may not desire to do those things so I have to depend on The Holy Spirit, prayer, alone time with God (and more) to muster up His Design Strength to step out in faith for a conversation - and yes, that is very realistic and possible for us to do. 

One huge thing that extraverts do not know is that introverts do not like 'small talk' - and if you ask about my wife, kids, work and some tv show...it makes me want to leave quickly.
To avoid small talk I created a small conversation starter when I shake your hand and before you can ask me those questions of small talk - I look you in the eye and ask you, "How is your head and heart doing recently?"-  and believe it or not this initiates some wonderful, meaningful and engaging dialog. 

From those engaging dialogs....if they go well....I will ask for your number and text you my number and some dates to have a coffee so that we can continue the conversation. 
What if it doesn't go as well as you would like? 
You say, "It was great seeing you again." 

You will not connect at a heart level with everyone because many people will choose to stay safe in their comfort zone without fellowship, friendship, connections or many do not even know how to go deep into meaningful conversations. 
So do not take it personal. 

On the other end, if you are an extrovert and have a desire to talk to as many people as possible - prayer and Union With God may reveal to you to stop, pause or listen for engagement and to respond in a way that is more meaningful. 

God designed us to connect, reconnect and continue stepping out in faith outside of isolation - and when you live by His Design he will give you the desires of your heart....but you must first engage with Him in prayer and Union With God to reform your heart to leave your fleshly desires to be left alone (or to talk all the time as an extravert) to desire getting up out of your chair to initiate conversations with others in a meaningful way.

Not all conversations need to be deep and meaningful - but at some point you are created to extend & gain wisdom and not sports tv feedback or how your kids are doing every week at church or while attending a once in awhile mens event. 

Once you meet up with a guy for coffee and it goes well and it is authentic, non-judgmental and encouraging....you can set up another meet up. 
If you meet up with a guy and all he does is quote old testament scripture to your conversation then follow this guideline: set up coffee chats to be around 45 minutes and if it goes well you can always mention that you have more time and ask if it is okay with them. If it is NOT going well, you mention that you have to stick to your time and go. 
Setting boundaries is a skill and it works when you honor your own word with your actions - by doing this confidence is gained over time. 

As you meet up with people for coffee you will see a theme or a commonality: marriage, parenting, business, health, college, dating - it all starts with something other than the man you are sitting with...and that is what you all work on together - his own heart and your own heart to then extend and impact others over time. 

The next step is to invite these people you are meeting with regularly for a one time meetup. 4-5 at most. It's not about numbers, it's all about the journey with Christ to have him teach you to lead better and it starts with YOU that then extends to others. 
I call this Self Control Leadership. Self Control is a fruit of the Spirit and it is not done in your own strength but in Union with God.
Send out a text to each person for a meeting at your home or somewhere else. I like to invite each person individually and let it be a surprise as to who shows up....for me, this is supposed to happen by my own prompting and those who respond to a prompting to attend. It is Spirit Driven. 

At the meet up I set expectations, talk about freedom to express yourself without judgement, there is no book study or requirements other than to share your journey, get to be known without faking or posing and to bring a journal to take notes. 

There is no real template I am following - as most people have lost trust in models used elsewhere and are not going to participate in similar templates/models. 

Having done this now for a few years I can say it works great. God shows up and healing happens when a healthy community forms. 

We meet once a month - as about anyone can commit to one day a month for a couple hours...especially if you do not have to read a book - but if you are, it is of your own choosing and you can discuss it in your time with your group. 

This is very liberating. 

As your first group establishes itself you have an option - if led to - with continuing to meet with others outside your group for coffee or to meet with people in your group for a one-on-one coffee or both as prompted. You do not want this to become a burden and loose your soul in the process. 

We each are on our own path with life and God - and that is what we talk about. If someone is reading a book they share about it, they also share how they take on challenges of staying healthy, engaging with spouses, their children, in-laws, frustrations at work, church or anywhere in-between. It's not a whine & gossip fest but a safe place to release their burdens so that Christ can restore their soul and get feedback wisdom or even a calling out in love (never in shame) with guidance of how to get unstuck. 

This is how trust is formed - not in shame or judgement - but in love and wisdom. 

The soul is not designed to carry the burdens of the world. It is designed to be in Union with God - and when you do that and also connect with other people their spirit becomes fueled up. 

Community is a wonderful part of Gods Kingdom here on Earth and with practice and meaningful conversations we can restore this much needed practice of engaging with others. 

We need you. 

And most introverts I know that are leading groups - do so well - because they are aware of people who want to suck up the air and just talk and they moderate that, they direct the flow of the group with purpose and they reflect in a way that God is known more so than filling up time with meaningless chat. 

Finally, keep it real with expectations - it can take up to a year of meeting people that you like and others that do not work out to finally get a grip on a handful of people that are who you can do life with for a season - it may be a year, it may be 5 years, it may be for life. 
You will be developing skills in leading yourself and leading others.

And it starts with you first. 

It is what you are designed to be and do. 

For now, 
Scott Musgrave: Founder of The Freedom Response